


Professional Rivalry

by SleepingReader



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Eskel is polite, Feral Jaskier | Dandelion, Gen, Humor, Jaskier | Dandelion Being a Feral Bastard, Lambert / napping, Valdo Marx is a Sweetheart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:01:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25369534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepingReader/pseuds/SleepingReader
Summary: 'For my first wish, may Valdo Marx, the troubadour of Cidaris, be struck down with apoplexy and die!'A mix of black ice and a snowstorm have the Witchers Geralt, Eskel and Lambert as well as the bard Jaskier hurry to find shelter. Unfortunately, the only shelter they're able to find is with one Valdo Marx.Who isn't so bad as you might think.
Relationships: Eskel & Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Eskel & Lambert (The Witcher), Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Lambert, Jaskier | Dandelion & Valdo Marx
Comments: 10
Kudos: 83





	Professional Rivalry

They call it black ice. It's when moisture from the air freezes and attaches itself to already frozen ground. It's bad for men. It's worse for horses.

Geralt and his brothers Eskel and Lambert were slowly leading their horses along the narrow path. Every now and then, in a quick reflex, one of their arms would shoot out to catch Jaskier, who was having quite a bit of trouble with the ice himself, not having the appropriate footwear for a road such as this. The ice seemed intent on throwing him off one of the dunes into the half-frozen sea below.

On top of that, it began to snow. Fast. Faster than even Witcher eyes can see. And the sun began to set at a quick pace, as if even it had had enough for the day.  
'We'll need to find shelter. And soon.' Geralt grumbled, wiping some snow off of Roach's nose. The mare chuffed thankfully at him.  
'Fucking dunes.' Lambert said. And he was right. The coast of Cidaris hardly held any sort of quick shelter, not like a forest.  
The sea wind threw snow directly into their eyes.  
It was Eskel who saw it first.  
'Light. Up ahead.'  
They braced themselves, and slowly walked towards the light.

\------

It turned out to be the edge of a small town, with a castle shadowed in the distance, being blanketed by snow. Suddenly, the door to the closest house swung open.  
'My apologies! I should have seen you sooner!' a polite voice rang out. 'Come in, please! You can leave your horses at the stables behind the shop. Not to worry, they will have plenty of food and warmth. Here, some towels to dry yourselves off. When you're ready, please come inside.'  
Still blinded by the snow, the Witchers led their horses to what was indeed a warm stable. They took the horses gear off and made sure they were comfortable. They dried their hair and patted down their armour as best they can with the towels. Jaskier seemed to be wondering about something out loud.  
'Cidaris… Shop? Can't be, right? Nah. Okay.'

They went back to the front of the shop, where a signpost was being snowed under. They couldn't make out a name due to the icicles, but the sign did show a lute.  
When the four stepped through the stranger's door, a small silver bell chimed cheerfully. Inside, the three Witchers turned to Jaskier, whose mouth had fallen open.

Everything, even the scent was so intently familiar to the bard, it was as if he had rubbed himself in it. Wood oil, used to maintain instruments. It filled the pores in his hands, but it also filled every crevice in this shop. This was because every square inch was filled with instruments of various shapes and sizes. Priceless lutes inlaid with gold and mother-of-pearl, panflutes with vines wrapped around them, a solid dwarven made silver flute that looked as though it could be used to open the gates to Melitele's secret chambers just by playing it.  
The craftmanship was incredible, and Jaskier had a very bad feeling about this. It became even stronger when the polite voice from before beckoned them all to the sitting room behind the till.  
'Geralt, we need to _GO_ ' Jaskier said, tugging on Geralt's sleeve. Geralt looked at him, looked out the window and shrugged him off.  
'nononono…' Jaskier said softly, trying to tug Lambert and Eskel back. Lambert checked his medallion just to be sure, but strode in with the rest. Jaskier was left to stomp his way into the house as well.

Inside the house that connected to the shop was a very cosy sitting room, with soft-looking chairs and candles that cast orange flames across the walls.  
'I hope the stables are to your liking, gentlemen? Oh, hello Jaskier. What a pleasure.'  
Jaskier rolled his eyes. 'Not on purpose, Valdo.'  
Geralt looked at Jaskier. 'This. Is Valdo Marx?'  
'Jaskier, you told him about me? What an honor. Yes, Master Witcher, it is a pleasure to meet you.'  
'Call me Geralt. These are Eskel and Lambert.'  
'We won't use too much of your time, just needed some shelter.' Eskel offered, as politely as he could.  
Valdo Marx nodded kindly.  
'Yes. of course, take as much time as you need. May I offer you some mulled wine in the meantime? I started heating it up while you were tending to the horses. It should be quite warm by now.'  
'Hm.' Jaskier said grumpily.  
'That would be most welcome.' Eskel said.  
Valdo went over to the kitchen, and Geralt and Jaskier shared a very fast-paced but silent conversation.

Jaskier eyed Geralt and then the door.  
Geralt shook his head.  
Jaskier made a gesture at the kitchen and then a rude one at his throat.  
Geralt gestured around at the comfortable chair and the footstools that Valdo had brought them before going to get the wine.  
Jaskier rolled his eyes. Gestured at the door. Geralt shook his head.  
Jaskier looked pleading at the other Witchers. Eskel shook his head, looking amused. Lambert was nodding off in front of the warm fire.  
Jaskier sighed and sank into his chair.

'Here we go' Valdo said, handing each Witcher and Jaskier a cup of hot mulled wine. It smelled like cinnamon and nutmeg, and it was exactly what they needed. It tasted like a hot summer's morning while watching your horse play in the river. It tasted like coming home to Oxenfurt and seeing your friends again, but Jaskier would never admit that.  
'So tell me, Jaskier, what have you been up to these days.' Valdo asked the bard, apparently not seeing Jaskier shaking with nearly unbridled annoyance and rage.  
'Wrote some songs, earned some money. Played at the banquet in Temeria, for the Princes nameday.'  
'How wonderful, I have heard he now equals his mother in beauty. Anything interesting news from court?'  
Lambert settled deeper into his chair. Bard talk.  
Jaskier spoke a little about some gossip of a couple weeks ago, and Valdo offered some of his own.  
Then Geralt nudged him and Jaskier sighed deeply.  
'So what have you been up to these days.'  
'Oh, you know, the same sort of things. Playing for the king and queen of Cidaris, I recently was asked by King Foltest to play at his 40 years crowning celebration. I made some new instruments, as you can see. Remind me to let you try out the new lute, I'm sure you will love the sound. Oh, and I wrote a little ditty called 'Roads to the Dune'  
Jaskier stood up and started pacing, muttering and growling to himself. Even Geralt noticed that Valdo Marx had been rather more succesful than his own bard. 'Roads to the Dune' had been requested far more in the last few months than 'Toss a Coin' or any of Jaskier's other songs.  
Valdo took another sip of his wine and then turned to the Witchers.  
'Jaskier and I have had what you may call a 'professional rivalry' ever since school. All for show, of course. No one enjoys drama quite more than royalty, and drama between minstrels is always a big hit.'  
Jaskier kicked at a carpet.  
'Oh, and I almost forgot to say!' Valdo remarked, placing his cup down again. 'A woman with the name of Yennefer of Vengerberg has contracted me to write her a ballad naming all of her conquests.'  
That had some effect. Eskel choked on his drink in laughter and sprayed it over Lambert's sleeping face. Geralt got punched by Lambert by accident, who woke up and reflexively lashed out to the nearest person. Valdo discreetly handed Lambert and Eskel a napkin.  
Jaskier swore loudly and sprinted outside. Valdo tried to stand up to hand him his coat, but Jaskier was too fast.  
Eskel, who had learned not to laugh with wine in his mouth now, stared at the bard in half confusion, half delight.  
'I didn't think he knew that curse.'  
'Didn't think _anyone_ knew that curse.' Geralt said.

Valdo Marx stood up and poured more wine for everyone out of his warm carafe. He gazed out the window.  
'Ah, it seems Julian has taken it upon himself to bring autumn to the pine trees again.' he said, looking at Jaskier who was shaking a tree so violently that some of the pine needles were falling off, along with a large amount of snow.  
'He did this a lot during our time at school. So nice to see that he hasn't changed a lot.'  
Geralt looked out the window just in time to see Jaskier stop shaking the tree, look up, shout another curse and be buried under several feet of snow.  
'Hm.' Geralt said, amused.  
'Best go get your bard.' Lambert suggested.  
Geralt stood up and went outside, just catching Valdo offering everyone a biscuit.

The snow had ceased a little, and the small flakes that were falling were now scarce enough to grant clear vision.  
Geralt went to the pine tree and put a hand in the pile of snow below, pulling out a angrily muttering, blue-lipped bard.  
'Told you we should have left, Geralt! He's a menace!'  
'Seems very polite.´  
'Ohohoo! That's what he _wants_ you to think! Meanwhile, he's plotting all sorts of schemes to make people like him!  
'Like making friends?' Geralt said, having spent time with Valdo Marx for about an hour and finding him politer than a guide dog.  
'EXACTLY! No, wait, not exactly. He is just sucking up to you so you'll like him!' Jaskier ranted, stomping his feet in the snow.  
'Like making friends?'  
'That's _not_ how you make friends, Geralt! He's just so. So. Hmr. Aargh!' Jaskier said, stomping once again, losing his balance and tripping.  
'We'll leave as soon as possible.' Geralt said.  
Jaskier looked up at him hopefully, snow speckled in his hair.  
'Really?'  
'Hm.' Geralt said.  
What he meant was:  
'Absolutely not, I haven't had this much fun since I paid Ciri to put itching powder in Lambert's armour and I'm going to drag this out as long as I possibly can. Besides, those biscuits looked _really good_.'

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to the dear hearts at the Amazing Discord, who keep me from sleeping but also keep me from being bored. See you in flavourtown! 
> 
> And thank you, dear reader, for reading!  
> This was based on an idea I had that Valdo should be played by Hozier.   
> And also that the two should have a relationship like Eleanor and Tahani from the Good Place.


End file.
